Asaulted Nuts

Another sordid tale from the life of Jack Tomas.

Once upon a time in a magical land called Pasadena, a young Jack Tomas convinced a girl to be his girlfriend. Now this is not the godlike comic genius and man about town that is the 28 year old Jack Tomas. Ney. (Yeah, I said Ney, deal with it! )This was a nerdy 15 year old awkward piece of soggy cheesecake that had never so much as kissed a girl and all of a sudden here was a girl who would let him touch her cake and ice cream.

This tale, was long before all that though. This was early on, when our hero was just feeling his way and trying to figure this thing called dating out for the first time. The girl was Christine, who you may know from other Jack Tomas tales such as "I'm being raped by a basset Hound!" and "That bitch ran me over with her car at Homecoming!".

So, it was the first week of summer and Christine came over to go swimming with me in my pool. Now this was DEFINITELY a new one on me. A real girl, not one in a porn, that was right there in a bathing suit. So, we swam all day together. We didn't do anything real sexy, a kiss or hug, whatever. However there was a fire in the hull if you know what I mean.

The guys will understand what I'm talking about. See, when you're 15 you have about as much control over your erections as you'd have over a baboon hopped up on Crystal Meth holding a baseball bat in a room full of bunnies, (Baboons and cute bunnies are natural enemies). Also back then I couldn't really control the old cannon from firing too early into Fort Fruit of the Looms. Today, I can control it like a Jedi master controls a lightsaber. So, needless to say having a half naked girl that close to me caused me to have a massive erection for like 5 hours, and I really couldn't hide it very well in my Hawaiian print swim trunks.

So, we got out of the pool and were sitting watching TV, when all of a sudden I had a strong, horrific, stabbing pain in my testicles. I mean it FUCKING HURT, like I had never had 'Ol Han and Chewie hurt. Now, I knew I was in trouble. A few years before my dog Bruno had tortioned his testicle and they had had to remove it. My mother, a pediatrician if you didn't know, had explained to me that if the teste dies (EEK!) it must be removed or else. So I had a decision to make:

1) Do I tell my mom about my inflamed extremely painful testicles and possibly save the nut

or

2) Do i risk it, save my dignity but lose my nut.

Would would you have done?

"Mooooom!" I cried.

So my mother examines my testicles, with a worried Christine in the next room. She said they were extremely swollen and clearly they hurt me. So she calls my uncle Raul, a urologist (For you St. Thomas people he is my cousin, Alaine Garcia's dad). Raul rushes over from his office and tells me to drop trow. He puts on his rubber gloves and kneads my balls like two hard boiled eggs in a tube sock. My mother is in the room, consulting this examination of my balls. Christine is in the next room, within earshot.

"Have you had an erection today Jackie?" Asked Raul.

"Umm...yeah...for a while." I said.

"Well...you have blue balls Jackie." Said Raul.

"What?" I said.

"See, when you have an erection the semen comes down the urethra to get ready to ejaculate. When that doesn't happen for a while and more sperm comes down it backs up into the seminal vesicles causing pain and swelling" Said Raul quoting from the Urologists guide to dumb teenage ball trouble.

"So...what do I do? It really hurts." I said.

"Well, take two Tylenol and go jerk off." Said Raul making a Jerking off motion.

He then hands the rubber gloves to my mom, walks out the door, gets on his Harley and rides away like a Urological Easy Rider.

So there I am with my mother and Christine knowing I have to go upstairs and High Five Yul Bryner. So I'm trying to be non-chalant, right, attempting to casually make my way upstairs. Then my mother says:

"Well you better go to the bathroom and..." She tugs on the index finger of the rubber glove like one might on a wiener.

I then began my walk of shame passed my mother and my new girlfriend to go upstairs and clean my clogged pipes.

The moral of the story:
Sometimes having a family full of doctors really sucks
and
I'm glad I don't have to deal with dating anymore.